Satire: The Apple TV Pro “Cable Box”

ZNF regular Chucky shares some satircally exclusive details regarding rumors that Apple has pitched the cable industry

In a stunning anouncement, Apple has reached a deal this morning with almost all US major MSO’s to offer cable service via the magical new Apple TV Pro.

All cable billing for the Apple TV Pro will take place through iTunes Billing, with Apple taking their god-given 30% tax off the top, and an ‘Expanded Basic’ sub priced at $220/month, and HBO at $80/month for consumers.

Eddy Cue of Apple was quoted as saying, “We decided to way to get the MSO’s to get past their iTunes billing objections was to stuff their mouths with gold”.

Brian Roberts, CEO of Comcast, was quoted as saying, “That Tim Cook really understands supply chains. This is a great deal for…” Roberts attempted to continue his statement, but collapsed in uncontrollable laughter.

The magical Apple TV Pro will feature live cable TV, AirPlay, and Siri, but no DVR. Tim Cook was quoted as saying, “We think we have the cash to run saturation Sam Jackson and Zooey Deschanel ads to get folks beyond their irrational attachment to the DVR.”


(Future developments)

Apple faithful stood overnight outside Apple Stores around the nation for the initial day of Apple TV Pro sales. With the Apple TV Pro at only $199, (with a mandatory AirPort MegaExtreme router – It’s got electrolytes! – at $499), excitement quickly built.

While some critics noted that all the Sam Jackson and Zooey Deschanel ads were not enough to compensate for the lack of DVR functionality and quadrupling of cable sub prices, John Gruber ran a devastating series of blog posts deriding the poor font choices in current DVR’s that turned the tech press storm around.

(One year later)

After selling a fewer than expected 600,000 cable subs through it’s magical new Apple TV Pro, Apple took a one-time write-down leading to it’s first quarterly loss in over a decade.

Eddy Cue and Tim Cook were murdered in the Apple cafeteria by irate Apple employees with underwater stock options. John Sculley was reintroduced as the once and future Apple CEO, and immediately announced deep Pepsi integration into all Apple products.

With both Microsoft and Google using Apple’s missteps to solidly establish thier new products for both the living room and mobile spaces, Twitter expressed interest in buying Apple at its greatly reduced valuation. A Twitter spokesman said, “We don’t really want their tech, but we think we can convert their wonderful Apple Store real-estate into Twitter cafes. Also, we think that as a public service, we’d like to fix OS X and make it the best of breed computer OS for pro users again. We used to really like it ourselves.”

15 thoughts on “Satire: The Apple TV Pro “Cable Box””

  1. “You could start the tech version of the Onion”

    But then I’d have to move to Madison, Wisconsin, no?

    I’ve been to Madison, and it is indeed a fine town with fun people. But it’s a bit too cold in the winter and a bit too far from salt water for my taste.

  2. Really enjoying the Gillette Venus ad over on the right there. Clearly these advertisers have us all pegged exactly…

  3. Alan, I’d have preferred to run it without that tag. But it is what it is out there…

    Glenn, I think SAY Media runs certain campaigns across all their properties. The Best Buy ad I just saw is at least more on topic. The razor ads haven’t bugged me, but the religious and political ones are a little much – may have to talk to them about that.

  4. “Alan, I’d have preferred to run it without that tag. But it is what it is out there…”

    But the thing is that it’s all true.

    Can I help it if I’ve got an ancient TRS-80 in the garage that got hit by lightning late at night the first time I tried to connect to Compuserve, and then mysteriously began to show accurate news bulletins from the future from time to time, even though it’s no longer plugged in?

    The unworldly gizmo’s news bulletins have been 100% correct since The General Relativity Event happened. And if you look back in a year, I think you’ll find that everything in this “satire” checks out. I just hope Twitter really does follow through on its plans to fix OS X as a public service. Pro users deserve as good an OS as Snow Leopard.

  5. “Had Zatz not marked this as “Satire” how long would it have been before Mashable and SAI picked it up and tweeted about it?”

    I believe I figured out why Dave had to mark it as “satire” here

  6. this is obviously just satire and not a look at the future. Geez anyone can see that in a few years Apple will buy Netflix and offer it through iTunes at 2 bucks for an hour

  7. “Sadly (I know, its a great shock to all of you), it looks like we’re not going to get an Apple Television for Christmas this year…”

    Eddy Cue is just taking his sweet time getting to ‘yes’.

    The holdup is just a tug of war between Apple and Comcast about whether or not the Comcast (and other MSO logos) can appear on the box.

    Apple will win the tug of war, the disastrous gizmo will ship with only an Apple logo, and everything will get worked out in time for Xmas.

    The phantom-powered TRS-80 never lies.

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